I've Missed You All So Much!

Hi everyone! Have you been wondering where I was? My debit card was declined for this blog, and even though I later had money in it, I could never use that debit card to pay for Typepad services again! So I had to wait until I had established a new bank account... partially just so I could have a debit card again! LOL... You don't understand how much I've missed having this blog to write in! I've missed it so much! I would compose blog posts in my mind each day, and I had no where to put them! When I was sad and upset, I wanted so badly to write about it, and I couldn't! It was torture!!!

I am in a bad space today. coincedentally. I want to talk about it or write about it instead of doing crazy things like cutting or having panic attacks or completely shutting down... but I am having trouble talking about it! I tried talking about it to Jimmy today but he thought I was talking about the Internet not working, and he just laughed and went to reset the thingy. And there really is nobody else. Except this blog.

I don't even know what to say.

The other day I found out that Diana is miserable with the way I've been taking care of the kids. She thinks the house is complete chaos, the kids hate each other, there are no rules, etc. She didn't even say it to hurt me. In fact, the opposite... she held it in for the past two years to keep from hurting me, and finally it just spilled out one night at two am. She said the kids have no structure and would be better off in Kinder-Care.

My heart and soul are broken. I can't even explain it. These kids are my redeeming grace, the one thing I was happy doing, the one thing I was proud of, where when other people in my family listed the ways I had screwed up in my life, I could at least point to the beautiful children I was helping to raise and say, "Well, I am doing something right!"

Somewhere in there, I fucked up.

I don't even necessarily think it is true! Sometimes I even think that I overstructure Pufferfish by filling her days with activities... We will do an art project, play a game, read some stories, go on an outing, work on some file folders, eat a healthy lunch organized into a muffin tin, and spend hours conversing... I love conversing with the alarmingly verbal little toddler... all in one day. She seems happy during the day. Afterschool is when all Hell breaks loose, because thats when Monkeyboy and Marcus and fifty of their closest friends come home, and when Little Bear and Rafael come tearing into the house. I try to control the chaos! I make them do their homework. Imake Little Bear practice her spelling and theme words each day and I check the little boxes on her chart to prove she did them. She missed two on her last spelling test so Diana thinks I don't work with her enough. It has been too cold to play outside, and they're not allowed to play in the basement anymore, so they run back and forth through the house until I threaten them with bodily harm! (LOL not really!)

Today I made them run a lap up and down the street before they did homework. It worked well. They sat down and did homework, and rafael actually focused on an entire math worksheet and did the whole thing with only one mistake!!! He never once jumped out of his seat and ran amock, or yelled nonsense words! Then he read me his entire reading list. And Little Bear finished her math homework, did an extra math page, and practiced her spelling without complaining. Then they played peacefully until it was time for Rafael to go home. I don't know if it was the lap they ran, or the fact that I kept reminding them, "Today we're going to practic being ca-a-alm inside the house!"

Then there is the dogs... they bark every time you make a move, and Lily chews on stuff, and even though she is mostly potty trained (she knows darn well that she is supposed to go outside to go potty) she likes to sneak into bedrooms to pee or poop when nobody is looking. The general concensus seems to be that I coddled the dogs and made them into annoying dogs that nobody wants anymore, and that this in turn contributed to the kids' behavior being ruined. But the thing is I was raised with dogs and they were all really great dogs who were well-trained and I love dogs and connect with dogs in a way that I cannot connect with anyone else. When I was thirteen my first dog, Zip, died of cancer. I flipped out and got so depressed. At the time my parents weren't planning on getting another dog, but partially because I was so depressed about Zip's death, and partially because my parents worked and I wasn't allowed to go outside without a friend and I didn't have any friends and I was scared to be alone so I would just sit at the kitchen table every day during summer break all day long... they changed their mind. We went to the pound and got a dog. When the people brought her out, we all sat down on the ground, and Chopper ran straight to me and sat in my lap and looked around all happy like she knew she belonged there. From then on she was always with me, she slept on my bed and constantly cuddled with me and played with me... like Zip had, but even more, because she was such a cuddly dog and Zip had been more hyper. Dogs calm me down, ease my anxiety and depression, and rarely annoy me. To me, dogs radiate so much love I can practically see it coming from them, and when I am around dogs I tend to get sort of addicted to them, because i love them so much... and people have always liked that about me, they thought it was cool that I was such an animal lover. But thats just the way I am, it isn't something I do consciously. I just gravitate towards animals.

Anyway it has been on my mind 24/7 with no relief. I have been taking Tylenol PM just to fall asleep because otherwise my mind just spins and spins and the words just repeat and repeat.

Diana is not speaking to me, and Jimmy just barely.

My mind goes back and forth with wanting to kill myself, like a constant conversation, "I'm gonna just kill myself... no, you're not, think of your mom and dad, imagine them crying... but I can't deal with life anymore... what about Little bear and Pufferfish, think of them having to go through that... I just want to be dead... but Sarah would be traumatized... but I am so sad... come on, this isn't such a big deal..." It goes on all night if I can't sleep! My ther alternative would be to just check into a mental hospital.But then my rational mind takes over and I know I don't really want to die, because my mind is like, "You can't really go to the hospital! What about the kids? What about school?"

I can't even look at the kids, or look at the dogs, or look at a picture of a dog, without feeling this horrible sinking feeling in my heart and stomach. but on the other hand, how could I ever wake up in a place where I couldn't look at them every day?

And if I've screwed this up, how can I ever do anything else good, like be a foster parent or even live on my own at all? If I've failed at this and its caused me to go into this bad of depression and anxiety, how can I deal with anything else in life? My mom was always telling me how I am going to be a failure and live in a house with cats all over the place and garbage and stuff and the police having to come and haul me off to  mental hospital. I always thought that she was just being mean. But now Diana has said it and that makes it true. diana wuldn't say it just to be mean, and she wasn't even being mean at the time or being angry, she was saying the truth.

It feels a little better to have been able to write all this down... but I still just don't know. I want someone to be here and tell me everything is going to be okay and that its not really true. I have no clue now what my role in this family is anymore. Now Jimmy is starting to do more with Pufferfish during the day, and I have no clue if it is because he just wants to start doing things with her because he's her daddy, or because it is now out in the open that I am not able to care for the kids well. I was emailing a lady about her daughter coming here during the week to be babysat, so I could make extra money, but now I don't know if I will be able to do that anymore. I don't know about anything! Nobody will talk to me! you all thought I was so great because of the crappy projects and Tot School stuff I posted here. But you see now that I am really not good at all.

Comments

[Shari]

I hope you've had some time to figure out where you fit and what is going on. All families have good and bad times. You'll find your place.

[Tanya @ Teenautism]

Nicki, I can't understand why she would say that about you. You definitely provide structure for the kids. It's not like you're sitting on the couch watching TV all day ignoring them (I've actually had people taking "care" of my children who did that). What about all the Tot School stuff you've done with the kids? That has been amazing for them. Plus the fact that you care for them so deeply. Surely Diana will realize that and come around. I'm pulling for you, my friend. Hang in there.

[Michelle]

oh my goodness! I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I can't imagine why Diana would say/think such a thing! I'm always amazed by all the things you plan and the fun activities and 'field trips' - I wish I could come up with all those things to do with my kids! That takes time and planning! Praying for your situation!

[CorrieHowe]

You have value because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope things have improved since this post. Maybe a heart to heart talk with Diana and Jimmy might help you to know how you can serve them in ways which nullify their concerns? I know you've been looking for work. Sometimes what seems like the worst thing that can happen to us, turns out the be the best thing that can happen. Even this discussion can be turned into something that brings your relationship even closer and healthier. I'm praying for you.