Get Well Soon, Maybe!

So, as far as sicknesses go, things have kinda settled down in our house. Little Bear seems to be completely over her stomach flu, and even spent the day with Tigerlily's family yesterday swimming in the backyard kiddy pool! Pufferfish is still having some trouble breathing, and is extremely whiny, but other than that she's not sick anymore. And I have a horrible ear infaction, which caused me to go to the ER on Friday because it was hurting me so badly and I could barely hear out of it! It still feels really weird, like its all stuffed up, and everything sounds weirder in that ear... kind of like how it feels when you need to "pop" your ears on an airplane, except I can't "pop" mine! It's stuck that way! Torture!!! But I've got antibiotics and Vicadin for it, at least!
I'm feeling crappy in other ways, too, today. I wrote here about some of the things that are going awry lately. And I'm just having a lot of trouble dealing with things. I've been going through really bad depression problems. When you're already prone to depression, the problem is that any little thing can send you spinning into it. Like, you could be walking down the street feeling OK, a little tired and stressed out but no big deal, and then you see a dead cat on the side of the road. And that might make a regular person sad, especially if they like cats, but if the person is prone to depression, it can send them spinning  into a bad episode of depression.
And thats how its been with me, these last few weeks. I've just been hyper-sensitive to anything happening around me. All someone has to do is fart into the wind and I start thinking, "Everyone hates me anyway, nobody wants me around, I just wanna be dead!" Thinking about wanting to be dead has been a constant battle, where I'm pretty much always trying to convince myself to stay alive.
I've even thought about going to the hospital. There's some hospitals out here where supposedly if you don't have insurance they'll sliding-scale the bill down to zero. But there's two main reasons why I don't...
1. Because Jimmy is working on Diana's mom's house these days, and might actually need me to babysit, and so I should stay out of the hospital so I can actually get some money, and staying busy with the kids does help me a lot, at least it offers an eight-hour period of respite for my brain because then I focus on stimulating the kids and taking care of them.
2. If I go to the hospital someone will surely tell my parents. And this would be my worst nightmare. Despite the fact that I am 30, my parents have tons of control over me and my life, because of my special  needs problems. And they totally don't want me to have special needs. They want me to be upstanding and independent, preferably just like them. If I show any signs of weakness (such as admitting myself to a hospital, that would be a MAJOR sign of weakness) they take it to mean that I am losing control of my life and that they need to take control of my life. If they found out I was in a hospital, within hours they'd be having meetings with my doctors, telling them all sorts of things about me (ie: "Her room is a mess, isn't that a sign of psychoticness?") They'd get the doctors and other professionals wrapped around their fingers, then they'd personally take me home so they could care for me, by telling me exactly what to do and not do, and by being sure to take away whatever things in life bring me some happiness. (Won't be able to see Little Bear and Pufferfish, because I shouldn't be taking care of them in the first place! Won't be able to sleep, because then I'm escaping from reality! Etc, etc, etc.) Plus my mom's theory is, "Its fine if you want to be depressed, but don't let it effect our lives." Its all about control to them. So. My biggest motivation to not going to the hospital is to maintain the illusion that I am doing great in life, so my parents will leave me alone. Because I'm 30!!!

So, basically, I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of being such a big disappointment to everyone, and making everyone angry all the time. I'm tired of being a pain in the butt everywhere I go, and constantly feeling like nobody wants me around, but that they're just letting me be around out of obligation. I really feel like I've lost everything. I feel like there's no way forward for me. This is not who I wanted to be, in life. When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and get out of my parents' house ASAP... in fact, I left home several times, starting when I was 15, and kept on getting dragged back here! I used to envision myself becoming a published author by the time I was 21, getting my own place to live shortly thereafter, becoming a foster parent, and creating my own chosen family where I would always have a place to belong, and where unwanted children like the child I used to be would also always have a place to belong.
But its kind of like, my worst nightmare came true... instead of becoming independent, and creating a place for unwanted children to feel loved, I just remained the perpetually unwanted "child", a burden on society, forever and ever and ever.

Comments

[Zip n Tizzy]

Oh Nicki,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Please talk to someone that you trust who's directly involved in your life.
Look up a public health clinic in your area, perhaps planned parenthood to start, and ask one of their doctors or practitioners where you can go to get some assisted counseling and possibly a prescription for antidepressants if they deem that necessary. Unfortunately your family doesn't seem to recognize your situation as a part of your physical makeup, but the kind of depression you're experiencing can't be wished away. I know that you have so much you love in your life, and so many people who love you. It sounds like everyone is under a lot of stress, so no one has a lot to give, but, you need to get yourself strong so you can be strong for the kids in your life who you love so much.
I'm so sorry. I know how difficult this can be particularly when you have financial constraints, but, you're very good with the internet. Please find where you can get some affordable assistance.
Big Hugs to you Nicki.

[Michelle]

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through and dealing with...I second the previous posters suggestions. There has to be someone you an talk with. And you shouldn't be afraid of checking in to a hospital - you're an adult - your parents can't sign you out and take you home. You can make that clear at the beginning; I would think so anyway. Good luck and please try to get some help.

[Tanya @ Teenautism]

Nicki, so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. You need to do what you feel is right for you so that you can feel better. Try contacting your county's Health & Human Services office to see if someone there can help or give other suggestions for you. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things get better soon!

[Nicki Mann]

Hi! Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement on my blog. It
means a lot to me!
I am already taking an antidepressant (Celexa) but it doesn't seem to work
as well as it used to. They doubled my dosage about two years ago but I am
kinda hoping I can switch to one of the newer medications they have now. I
am going to call the county health department today (I hate calling places
liek that so I am sort of procrascinating on it) and try to get an
appointment for a psychiatrist. Its kind of an odd predictament because I
don't really have a legal address, I always stay with Diana or at my mom's.
In my mom's county, its by the city, so social services are crappy and
there's never enough to go around. In Diana's county, its a smaller and
wealthier county with a lot of services, so I am going to try and go through
them! Wish me luck! Thanks again for your kind comment... It helps me to
feel like I have friends somewhere in the blogosphere! :)
- Nicki

[Nicki Mann]

Hi, thanks for the comment on my blog! You are probably right, my parents
probably wouldn't be able to sign me out and take me home against my will...
although sometimes it seems like they manage to do things like that. They'd
prpbably try, and it would probably be pretty awkward! Anyway, thanks again
for your kindness and encouragement!
- Nicki

[Nicki Mann]

Hi! Thanks for your kind words on my blog! I have found a few places where I
might be able to go to get help with medication or whatever else, for free
or really cheap. I just have to call. I really hate calling people I don't
know, for some reason, though, so I am sort of procrascinating on it... I
gotta build up to it! ;) Thanks for your positive thoughts!
- Nicki