Slow Down, Gym Shoe!

Rafael After School

Rafael: (Laughing hysterically) "Hi! Guess what! I scared my friend twice by going like this" (Screams at top of lungs.) "Did you hear that? Did that scare you? AAAAAH! Butthole! Boogers! Aklldhkdhglddjgdjd;lgj!" (Turns green and head spins around) "And guess what? We had a party at school today and I ate candy canes and chocolate and cupcakes with frosting and frosting and FROSTING FROSTING FROSTING! I think I'm crazy now!"

My Dad Is A Little Weird...

I've been visiting my parents about two or three weekends a month lately, and its come to my attention that my dad is just a little strange! Observe.

Two weeks ago: My mom is irritated by my dad's outfit. He is wearing a White Sox T-shirt, a White Sox hoodie, a White Sox jacket, a White Sox baseball hat, and even White Sox shoes! I wonder what his favorite team is?

Last week: My mom leaves to go out to a bar with some friends. As soon as she's gone, my dad whips out a new ring he bought on eBay. It is a silver ring in the shape of two naked women, with a small diamond in the middle. "Look how detailed it is!" he says."It even has a little crotch!" He takes out a magnifying glass so that I can see the crotch better.

Laughing, I ask, "What does Mom think about it?"

"She hasn't seen it," he replies. "I only wear it when she's not home!"

This week: My mom leaves to go watch football at the bar with some friends. As soon as she's gone, my dad goes to the closet and pulls out a fur hat with ear flaps. (He wouldn't let me take a picture of it, but it looks similar to this one, except without the chin strap! He explains that he just got it at the flea market this morning. He takes out scissors and starts cutting off pieces of the hat to make it look more the way he wants it. He asks me how it looks, and models it with his leather jacket on as well, asking if it is a fancy look for next time he goes out. He says he is not going to show my mom until the next time they go out, and he will wait until the last minute to grab it!

"What you should do is, wait until you're already outside, and then be like, 'Wait, I forgot my hat!'" I suggest. "Then you can run in and get it, and it will be too late for her to make you go put it back!"

"Yeah, plus in the car it will be kind of dark, so she won't really notice it until we're already driving," my dad adds.

My dad's head is a strange place... inside and out!

PS... He just came home from the library, and came downstairs with huge rings on each of his fingers, saying, "Notice anything different about me?" ROFL!

How To Have A Merry Christmas

Hi everyone! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving! I can't believe thanksgiving happened already... Didn't this year fly by? A busy couple of months is ahead of us. Not only do we have Christmas and New Years, but Monkeyboy's birthday is also in a couple weeks!

Speaking of Monkeyboy... last night he went out with some friends who live in the neighborhood. He came home, and walked into the house with his hood up and his head down, his hair falling in his face. Diana and I were watching TV in the living room. Monkeyboy stood in front of us and said, "Mom, how would you feel if I told you I got a piercing?"

We thought he was joking... until he took his hood down, and flipped the hair out of his face, so we could see his bloody lip!

I kid you not! His friends pierced his lip for him!

I didn't think to take a picture of it, in all the commotion afterwards. But I will put a pic of him here if he'll let me! I don't think it looks all that bad. Diana has already told him he will not be allowed to have a ring in it, just a little stud. So it won't be too noticeable, I guess.

Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Christmas. Because of the crappy economy, nobody in my house is actually working regular hours right now, and we are pretty short on money! Its going to be a very simplified Christmas! Diana is a little worried about this, because she's always gone all out for Christmas, making sure each kid had a giant pile of gifts under the tree. I guess the precedent was set by Monkeyboy, who was an only child for the first six years of his life. It was easy enough for Diana to spend her Christmas bonus making sure he got everything he wanted from Santa! By the time Little Bear was born, Monkeyboy was already used to Christmas being this way, and when Little Bear got old enough to know the difference, it was only fair to make sure she had a comparable pile of gifts under the tree. Then Pufferfish was born, and... well, its getting more and more difficult to pile up those gifts, especially while everyone is broke!

So this Christmas we're gonna dial it down a bit. Because Christmas shouldn't just be about gifts, right? But. Since there will be less gifts, we should replace it with something else, don't you think? So my question to you is, can you think of some ways to make Christmas more special for a family with three wild and crazy kids, without spending a lot of money?
Little Bear and I have already chosen a child in foster care, through our church's "angel-tree" type thingy, to buy some gifts for, so Little Bear will at least experience picking out gifts to make an anonymous child happy. So there's that. But what else? Can you think of anything? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

***********************

Diana: "Ugh, I'm not looking forward to this Christmas!"

Me: "It will be our best Christmas ever! We'll all learn a valuable lesson! It will be a very special year for us!"

Diana: "This isn't a Disney movie, Nicki!"

Observed At A Local Suburban Foodcourt...

The scene... a typical suburban food court in a busy mall just before Thanksgiving. Enter a Crazy, Abusive,Evil Auntie Who Is Obviously A Crackhead (CAEAWIOAC), and three children between the ages of two and six.

CAEAWIOAC: "Okay, kids, I only have enough money for everyone to spend two or three dollars on a snack. What do you want?"

Kids: "dfjlsjTacobellsdlfsljSubwayslfjsdkfjBurgerKingjsf;lsjletsgosomewhereelseasdlkjas;dlicecream!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Everyone stop talking at once! You can each pick a place to get something. Rafael, what do you want?"

Kids: "dfjlsjTacobellsdlfsljSubwayslfjsdkfjBurgerKingjsf;lsjletsgosomewhereelseasdlkjas;dlicecream!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Quiet! Okay, Rafael, do you want Taco Bell? Lets go over to Taco Bell. Here are the things you could get... soft taco, crunchy taco, potato taco, bean burrito, three layer nachos..."

Kid 1: "Three layer nachos! Yeah! Thats what I want! Those are my favorite! And I want a large Coke!"

CAEAWIOAC: "You're not getting a large Coke. You can have a small Sprite." (Orders the food and pays for it with a Paypal debit card.) "Okay, lets go sit down, and then I'll get the rest of the food."

Kid 1: "No! Thats not what I wanted! Not that kind of nachos! Not with this stuff on it!"

CAEAWIOAC: "But these are three layer nachos! This is what you wanted!"

Kid 1: "Noooooooooo! I wanted plain nachos!"

CAEAWIOAC: "I'm sorry, Rafael. I'll try to scrape all the beans and junk off, right after I get the food for the other two."

Kid 2: "I'd like a tunafish sandwich from Subway, chips, and a drink!"

CAEAWIOAC: "No, Subway doesn't have a dollar menu. How about something from Burger King?"

Kids: "SkldjsfWhopperasdfjasCokesfsdjsdfjFrenchfrifkjsdChickenNuggetsslkdjf;sfjMilkshakelfkkkMustard!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Aaaaaaah! What? First of all, Rafael, you already have a snack, so you can't get Burger King! Second of all..."

Kid 1: (Puts head down on table.)

kid 2: "What a cry baby! Cry baby!"

Kid 3: "Cwy baby!"

Kid 1: "I am not crying! Shut up, you stupid heads!"

Kid 2: "I'll eat the nachos, and Rafael can get Burger King, then."

CAEAWIOAC: "Good idea, Little Bear! Here you go!"

Kid 2: "Aaaaah! Yuck! These are disgusting! I'm not eating these! I want Subway!"

Kid 1: "Thats not fair!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Everyone stop it! Ugh! I was trying to do something nice and let you have a snack, but this is not working. We're done. Nobody gets a snack. We're done." (Throws nachoes away. Starts to throw Kid 1's drink away, but stops, thinking of the dollar and twenty cents she spent on it,)

Kid 1: "Hey, I'm still drinking that!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Fine, drink it, here!"

Kid 2: "Hey, why does he get a drink and we don't!"

CAEAWIOAC: "You can share it!"

Kids: "Nowayimnotsharingwithhimherthatsgrossyuckiwantmyownnofairwhy!"

CAEAWIOAC: (who is starving herself and really wants a snack) "We'll try this one more time. We're all going to Burger King, and you can each get one thing off the dollar menu and one drink. Got it?"

Kid 2: "Iwant a kids meal!"

Kid 1: "I want a Whopper, fries and a Coke!"

CAEAWIOAC: (speaking slowly) "No. Listen, We're gonna get one thing off the dollar menu, and one small drink. Okay? You can get a Whopper Jr, french fries, or chicken nuggets."

Kid 2: "Can I get a Whopper Jr and french fries?"

CAEAWIOAC:: "NO! WE'RE EACH GETTING ONE THING FROM THE DOLLAR MENU, AND ONE DRINK! What do you want?"

Kid 1: "Just a Whopper then!"

kid 2: "I want a Whopper too!"

Kid 3: "I want chicken nuggets!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Okay, can I please get two Whopper Juniors, one chicken nuggets...."

Kid 1: "No, I want french fries!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Okay, give me one Whopper Junior, one french fries, one chicken nuggets..."

Kid 2: "Can I have chicken nuggets instead?"

CAEAWIOAC: "Fine. Then, I guess, two chicken nuggets, one French fries, and I'll have a Whopper Junior, and four small drinks."

Cashier: "What kind of drinks, please?"

CAEAWIOAC: "Um... Little Bear, please stop talking while I'm talking! You have to wait! Rafael, pick up all of those crowns you just knocked down. Pufferfish, I can't pick you up right now, I'm trying to... Rafael, I said quit touching the Burger King crowns! Now pick them up off the floor! Little Bear! Quit tapping my arm! Please wait just one minute! Pufferfish, where are you going? Wait... what was your question?"

Cashier: "Uh, what type of drinks do you want?"

CAEAWIOAC: "One Coke and three Sprites, please."

Kid 2: "No, I want rootbeer!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Rafael, Pufferfish, do you want rootbeer too? Okay, one Coke and three rootbeers..."

Kid 2: "Why does he get another drink? He already has a drink!"

CAEAWIOAC: "Ugh, thats right! Okay, two rootbeers and one Coke... LITTLE BEAR FOR PETE'S SAKE STOP TAPPING MY ARM AND TALKING WHILE I'M TALKING! STEP AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW!"

Kid 2: "But its an emergency! I need BBQ sauce!"

CAEAWIOAC: "BBQ SAUCE DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY, LITTLE BEAR! PUFFERFISH, WHY ARE YOUR SHOES OFF? RAFAEL, GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THE KETCHUP! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? LETS ALL GO SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!"

KID 2: "Hey, how come he got fries and I didn't?"

(Five minutes later... the three children are running in and out of a near by photo booth, screaming, as CAEAWIOAC curls up in the fetal position underneath a table and mutters to herself.)

THE END!

Everything I Did Today

Do you ever have a day where you don't really do anything extraordinary, but then when you look back on it it seems that you had a really extraordinary day? Thats the kind of day today was. Let me reflect upon it for you.

1. I volunteered at Special Olympics. I actually have been volunteering there every Saturday morning for a few months with the Young Athletes program. Young Athletes is for little, little kids, ages two to four, who obviously are too young to be in the regular Special Olympics. Most of the kids have either autism or Down syndrome. Its sort of an introductory course for them. Basically its a half hour each Saturday, and they just practice some simple skills like balancing, kicking a ball, jumping, etc. Today was the final ceremony for the fall program. I was paired up with a little boy I've helped before, an extremely sweet and extremely shy four-year-old named Ben, who clung to my hand and whispered, "You're Miss Nicki" to me the whole time. It was a lot of fun. On Saturday mornings it is sometimes hard to get up and go to a volunteer job, because I'm already tired from watching the usual suspects here at home... but then, after I go, I always feel so much better. I feel happy and hopeful. There was this one day when the program was really short-staffed and, instead of being paired up with one kid, I was paired up with three kids! I had Ben, plus another four-year-old boy with autism who is more noisy and hyperactive than Ben, plus Ben's three-year-old sister who is just a typical goofy three-year-old. It was pretty difficult trying to herd all three of them from one "station" to the next... the second little boy kept running off across the gym every time I was busy trying to help Ben or his sister, and Ben was just getting overwhelmed and starting to shut down, and his sister was just kind of being a three-year-old. So it was hard work. But by the end of the half hour, I felt practically jubilant! I was exhuberated! Today, after getting Ben through his final ceremony, I felt just like that.

2. I watched The Outsiders with Monkeyboy. Monkeyboy recently had to read The Outsiders for school. He really enjoyed it, which made me happy, because The Outsiders was (and still is) one of my favorite books. My little brother and I used to watch the movie, like, once a week. We wanted to be in the sixties so bad! Anyway, Monkeyboy was excited to learn that there was a movie of The Outsiders in existence. So today, after volunteering, I went to the library and rented it, and me and Monkeyboy watched it together. Afterwards, he had tears in his eyes as he mourned the tragic deaths of Dally and Johnny. (Of course Bob died too, but who cares about him, he was a jerk anyway!)  I loved seeing Monkeyboy connect to The Outsiders!

3. I took the little ones to McDonalds Playland. We ordered three small pops, and stayed for three hours! I didn't mean to stay that long, but it was a perfect evening at McDonalds Playland... not crowded, but always at least two other families with children in the room. Little Bear and Pufferfish were playing so wonderfully with the other kids! Little Bear actually organized the entire McDonalds Playland into a game of hide and seek. It was funny to see about ten little kids, all strangers to each other, crouching down to have their feet counted for "Bubble Gum, Bubble Gum, In A DIsh." (Sometimes I do have to tell Little Bear to quit being so bossy, though! She loves it when she's the oldest, and she'll be clapping her little hands and saying things like, "One two three, eyes on me!" and telling the children that they cannot share hiding spaces and things like that.)

We also saw Munchkin, one of Diana's best friend's daughters, there. It was strange because Little Bear came up to me and said, "I met one of Princess's friends! I think I met her at Princess's house!"

"How do you know that she knows Princess?" I asked.

"I don't know. She just looks familiar," Little Bear explained.

I saw the little girl she was talking about, from a distance. "Oh, you know what? She looks a lot like Munchkin (Princess's little sister). Thats why she looks familiar to you." As the little girl came closer, I added, "In fact, she looks exactly like Munchkin! What the heck???"

I still didn't believe the little girl could be Munchkin, since she was there with a man I didn't recognize, and her mother and sisters were no where in site. But when I asked her name, sure enough, the little girl replied, "Munchkin!"

"You're Munchkin? Are your sisters named Princess and Sweetie?" I asked.

"Yes!" giggled Munchkin.

"No way! Do you know us?"
"Ye-es!" Munchkin giggled some more. She is a giggler.

It turned out that she was there with her grandpa, and her sisters were somewhere else with their aunt. I guess that was why I was so disoriented. But Little Bear was happy to be playing with Munchkin!

4. I finished the book I was reading. Thats what I was doing during the three hours that the girls were playing. It was pretty easy to keep one eye on them, and read at the same time. The book I was reading is called Q & A, and it is about a teenager from India who makes it onto a TV quiz show, wins a billion rupees, and then gets arrested on suspicion of cheating. (Does this plot line sound familiar? You will find out why in a minute!) I loved this book and was really into it. I loved the story of Ram, how he overcame one obstacle after another, and how everything in his life seemed to happen for a reason. The topic of destiny was an underlying theme. I didn't find out until the end, that this book is actually what the movie Slum Dog Millionair is based on. When I finished the book, I was excited to go home and watch Slum Dog Millionair on demand. But since I looked the movie plot up on Wikipedia, I'm not sure I even want to watch the movie any more. It is definitely not going to be as good as the book!!!

4. We made a Get Well Book for a lady at our church who has cancer! I just thought that project up to keep the girls busy while I made the pizza and let the dogs out, but they made a beautiful book that I am going to send to the lady at our church. That project lasted them until nine o'clock, and then I gave them Popsicles for dessert, and then they were actually begging to go to bed! (Pufferfish kept saying, "Please I sleep now?"

So! Hows that for an extraordinary day?

I am going to sleep now myself... See ya in the morning!

Why I Wish I Could Sew

I cannot sew. I should be able to sew. My mom can. When I was little, she sewed all the time. She would often give me a washrag clipped into one of those wooden circle things people use for doing needle point and she'd give me a needle and thread to sew my own designs on the cloth. One day I stepped on my needle. Panicking, I screamed and stomped my foot, driving the needle further in. It was not a serious injury, but it traumatized me... and that was the end of my sewing career for the next ten years or so!

It turned out to be just as well. Years later in junior high and high school I had to take sewing classes and I found out that I really couldn't sew! I have horrid hand-eye coordination. When trying to deal with a tiny needle and thread, my eyes cross, my hands shake, I start getting all sensory-disfunctional, and I end up feeling like I need to curl up into the fetal position and roll around on the floor for a while to calm down!

The only sewing I've ever enjoyed was canvas stitching. This involves a giant needle, thick plastic canvas with holes already in it, and nice, thick yarn instead of thread. (I also eventually discovered I like knitting! That involves really huge needles!)

Anyway. There was really no point to me telling you any of that. Except that today Pufferfish and I went to a story time at a store called the Land Of Nod. They have awesome toys and decorations that could be described as unique and whimsical. (I love the word whimsical, don't you?)

I loved this thing in particular:

Pufferfish loved climbing into it and looking through the windows. And I've been wishing lately for a way to make a quiet and cozy space, like a reading corner, in the playroom. Thing would be perfect, wouldn't it?

The only thing is, it costs $130!!! Yeah. Totally not in my budget.

I started thinking that I could make one. I could use a hula hoop for the top part, and sew, like, a curtain, around it. I could cut out windows and everything. Except... I can't sew.

Nope, not even with a sewing machine! I cannot thread the thing for the life of me!

So... if anyone knows of anyone who makes these things and sells them for cheaper, on Etsy or wherever, let me know about it! Or if you have any other ideas on how to simplify this for a dunce like me?

 

Country Music

Rafael: "I don't really like Thursdays because we have music class."
Me: "What do you do in music class?"

Rafael: "We have to sing."

Me: "What kinds of songs do you get to sing?"

Rafael: "Well, today we learned a country song."

Me: "Really? Which one?"

Rafael: "It goes like this... `My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty...'"

What Passes For Fun At Our House

Sorry for the darkness of this movie... I filmed on my digital camera, so I can't really adjust the lighting. But I think you can still get the jist of how we spent a recent rainy fall evening!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Don't Drink The Fizzy Flavor-ade!

Diana, Jimmy, Sarah, Monkeyboy, Little Bear, Pufferfish and I went to the mall tonight, because the little girls needed new winter jackets, and Monkeyboy wanted to buy a Sweetest Day gift for his girlfriend. Somehow, out of the deal, Little Bear scored a Tasty Science Chemistry In The Kitchen Set. Later on in the evening, Diana and Jimmy went to drive Monkeyboy to the city, where he's going to spend the weekend with our former foster kids, Marcus and Britni. (Britni is now Monkeyboy's girlfriend, by the way!) While they were gone, Sarah and I agreed to try out the Tasty Science Chemistry In The Kitchen Set with Little Bear.

Little Bear wanted to make the fizzy soda drink first, which was fine with me because I love soda! I was really looking forward to learning how to make my own! The "experiment" involved mixing citric acid, sugar, flavoring, water and baking soda.

Stop right there. Baking soda. That should have tipped us off, don't you think?

We carefully mixed the ingredients together. Little Bear was appropriately amused when the baking soda and citric acid caused the water to get fizzy. She chose grape flavoring. Sarah carefully measured the soda into four cups, so we and the little girls could each have a taste.

I took a sip.

OMG, it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever tasted! Imagine slightly salty grape flavored Dimetapp. As I forced myself to swallow it, all I could think about was spitting it out!

I looked over at Little Bear. She stared blankly at me, as if comatose, and the black liquid began to drool out of her mouth. It was like a scene from The Exorcism or something!

"This is disgusting!" I yelped. Little Bear and I ran frantically to the kitchen. I filled a glass of water from the faucet and pushed it into Little Bear's hands, then filled myself a glass and began frantically rinsing my mouth out. Sarah and Pufferfish ran into the kitchen with their tongues hanging out. I started handing out some of the sugar cookies we'd made that day. We gobbled them down, to get the nightmarish taste out of our mouths.

It. Was. Horrible.

This isn't a product review, dudes. This is a warning. If you buy the Tasty Science Chemistry In The Kitchen Set, do not drink the fizzy flavor-ade!

In other news, Little Bear and Pufferfish are asleep on the couch. Diana and Jimmy left for the city about three hours ago and haven't returned yet. Sarah is lighting her Slurpee lid on fire. Maybe I'd better go.

A Few Pufferfish-isms!

Make your own animation

Pufferfish never fails to amaze me with how well she can talk. She is quite a conversationalist! I've been trying really hard to remember the goofy things she says, although sometimes they slide right out of my mind. Here are a few of my recent favorites, though...

She's totally addicted to candy and she always wants some! One day last week, because our outdoor playdate got cancelled, I took Pufferfish to Monkey Joe's. They have a game room back behind all of the jumpy houses. I tried to keep Pufferfish by the jumpy houses, since we had paid admission to be there and I didn't want to pay extra for arcade games, but of course she spotted the game where you lower a claw to grab as much candy as you can. I bought a buck's worth of tokens and won her a bunch of candy, which I stashed in the pocket. I gave Pufferfish a few pieces, and told her she could have some at home, after lunch.

On the way home from Monkey Joe's I wanted to run a few errands. I stopped at one store, and Pufferfish was fine, but after the second store she was starting to get antsy. So, as we pulled into the parking lot of the second store, I told her, "Just one more store, okay, Pufferfish?"

She replied, dead seriously, "Just one more candy, okay, Nicki?"

LOL! Of course I gave the little negotiator her candy, and she rewarded me with perfect behavior inside the store!

Okay, that was a long one. Here's a few shorter ones!

Pufferfish: (says something unintelligable)

Me: "What, Pufferfish?"

Pufferfish: "I talking to Brother!"

Me: "Oh. Sorry."

Pufferfish: "I still love you, though!"

Pufferfish: (saying something unintelligable)

Me: "What, Pufferfish?"

Pufferfish: "Oh, I say bad word!"

Me: "You did? What bad word did you say?"

Pufferfish: "No, I no tell you!"

Pufferfish: "Pretend you the baby and I the mommy."

Me: "Okay! Hi Mommy!"

Pufferfish: "Hi baby! You want some candy?"

Me: "Yes! I love candy!"

Pufferfish: "What kind you want? You want the kind that burns you? Yeah? The kind that burns you?"

Me: "Uh, no thanks! Do you have any chocolate/"

Pufferfish: "Okay, I get you chocolate... but you no eat till after lunch!"

Are these stories only amusing to me?

Monkeyboy is summoning me to help him straighten his hair... I hope I don't burn his head! Anyway, I'll write more tomorrow!

By the way, I took this quiz on Juice Box Jungle. I know I'm not an actual mom, but I do a lot of stuff moms do, and I will be a mom someday, so I thought it would be fun to find out what kind I was. Here is what my result was:

Apparently this means I have tons of energy and love being around the kids.

Well, most of the time, I suppose... but a lot of the time I definitely long to be with the grown-ups!