This weekend, Big Tent and the Parent Bloggers Network offered a challenge... to write about how you are going to get your life together in 2009. I knew right away what I would write about, because I've been contemplating it a lot lately.
Many people might be thinking that they are going to try to pick up their speed in 2009... start a new exercise program, organize their home, spend more quality time with their kids, etc. But I need to do the opposite.
I have severe ADHD, which I have mentioned in this blog before. Throughout my childhood, I had a horrible time in school, mostly because I simly couldn't keep up with the schedule of a regular classroom. I needed to do things on my own timeline, on my own terms.
I graduated high school by the skin of my nose, and was sure I didn't want to go to college. School had left a horrible taste in my mouth! After about five years of holding random full time jobs, working with kids in day care centers and schools and earning minimum wage, I decided i wanted to be a special education teacher. I began making my way slowly through school, taking one or two classes a semester while I continued working full time. I got straight A's... something I'd never achieved in high school!
About two years into my part-time college venture, I had some sort of mid-life crisis (although I was in my early twenties, which hopefully wasn't the middle of my lifespan!) I was working as an aide in a special ed school. A new teacher started working at the school. She turned out to be someone I'd gone to high school with. We'd graduated the same year. She had already become a special education teacher. It alarmed me that people my age were already so far ahead of me. Nevermind the fact that I had spent several years living on the streets and learning through the school of hard knocks, had spent a year working as an aide at a high quality day care center for at-risk children, had spent a year as a full-time Americorps volunteer, had gotten this great job as a one-on-one aide for a little boy with autism, and had spent all this time learning and improving myself more than I ever could have in school. None of that mattered. I needed to catch up!
The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I'd spent three school years as an aide to a little boy with autism. His parents had recently announced that they were moving to a neighboring town, so he could attend a special autism school. I could have stayed on at the school and worked with a different child, but I decided to quit my job and go to school full time.
My family was supportive of my new plan. My mom was eager for me to hurry up and get my degree, and join the real world. I planned to cruise through college, and piled five courses onto my schedule. I still had to work, to survive, and I found a part-time job as a respite worker for kids with special needs.
The next few years were horrid! I spent most of my time feeling like I didn't have enough time. I was constantly busy with either school or work. When I did have a spare moment, instead of spending it with my family or on activities I enjoyed, all I could do was sleep or stare at the TV! Feeling restless and unfulfilled, I quit one parttime job after another. I always chose jobs that I would really enjoy, usually working with children, and once working with senior citizens with Alzheimers. I always started out loving the jobs. But after a few months, I would feel irritable and overwhelmed, and would resent my job for taking up too much of my time. I left a stream of abandoned jobs and broken bridges in my wake. To top it off, I was no longer getting straight A's in my classes. I would start each semester full of energy and good intentions, but after a few weeks I'd find myself rushing through assignments, skipping homework, even blowing off test days. Now I was lucky to get C's!
Last year, Diana and Jimmy asked me if I would watch Little Bear and Pufferfish during the days. And this "job" is the only one I've had that I haven't quit! Being a stay-at-home auntie is the perfect job for me, because I am basically my own "boss." I have fun coming up with activities and outings for the kids. I live with them, too, so not only do I watch them during the day, but I am also there for the small moments in their lives, like eating dinner, going to family parties, getting ready for bed, etc.
Still, I can't help but feel rushed a lot of the time. With my other jobs, I called in sick or just spaced out when I had a lot of schoolwork to do. But with my nephew and nieces, they come before school! I've skipped quite a few classes because I've just been too exhausted to go to school after a long day with the kids, and I've spent a lot of time pleading with Little Bear to entertain herelf so I could try to get some homework or studying done.
Recenly I decided, what I need to do is slow down. I need to go back to taking one or two classes a semester. I know from experience I can handle one or two classes, give them my full attention, and get A's. I've learned I can't get the same results when I take four or five classes at once.
In 2009, I'm going to slow down. I'm going to try harder in the classes I do take. It may take me an extra year or two to get my degree, but I think I'll be a better teacher for it when I do get it! I'm going to focus more on the kids and enjoy them more. I'm going to read more books. I'm going to quit measuring myself up against everyone else, and I'll quit trying to live up to everyone else's expectations of me. I know myself better than anyone else does. I'm going to focus at being the best me I can be.
